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Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One
January 02, 2006
DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE
January 2nd, 2006
From the Desk of
Let me begin by wishing everyone of you a happy and prosperous New Year filled with success, security, and of course...
I don't know about you but, for me, 2005 was a very turbulant year. So much so that just keeping up with this newsletter was, at times, almost impossible.
As many of you know, I was promoted to the rank of 10th degree Black Belt in September of 2005. But, the deaths of a great uncle, cousin, grandmother, and most-recently my sister in November more than balanced out that achievement. Top this off with a divorce and change in living arrangements and the ability to see my youngest daughters and you have perhaps the outline of one hell of a year!
Along those lines...
A little while back, I received a letter from one of my friends in India. He said...
"I too am facing a turmoil in my life as my loved one separated out of my life just 2 months ago. We were in love for almost 4 years and on the verge of getting married she said NO to our relationship and walked away.
Its a very strange situation as I really do not know the real reason why she did this to me. My common sense is just not accepting to believe this and move on in my life in a normal way. I practice Yoga and Meditation for nearly 8 years now (I am 28 now), inspite of this I cannot 'let-go' this. I am facing a serious problem.
Any message from your side for this....?
Dayakar Bangalore India
Contrary to the popular idea that self-defense is just about dealing with the punches, kicks, and such from a criminal attacker, it really is about much more. This is why I prefer to use the term...
...rather than merely "self-defense."
Self-protection, to me, implies the ability to protect one's self against ANYTHING that might harm one. It also implies that that there is more than the physical body that can be attacked and injured.
You know Dayakar, your dilemma is not unlike the mindset of the assault victim who carries the emotional scars long after the physical wounds have healed. Accept that, in your case...
...there were no physical wounds to begin with.
Before I address my "thoughts" about what you could do to "let go," I think it would be helpful to look at some statistics involving rape victims - especially as it relates to them AFTER the attack. I know this will seem a bit strange but, bear with me for a minute.
You see, the emotional state of a rape victim after an attack, including how she views herself, the world, and especially men (including the one's closest to her), is directly connected to her views and actions before and during the attack.
Do you understand the implication of that? What if, a person's response to an event is based, not on the event itself, but...
...on how they viewed the event and the actions they took in dealing with it?
Here is some data from a study done with regards to rape victims.
It seems that...
> Those women who fought back...REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT THE RAPE WAS SUCCESSFUL... where emotionally secure after the attack than those women who put up little or no resistance.
It seems that the women who resisted, even those who lost the battle, knew in their hearts that they did all they could to fend off the attack.
What about the women who didn't use effective resistence? This is where it really gets interesting.
The investigators found that, for those women who did little to nothing to fight back...
...within 1 year of the assault, these women had almost entirely broken off all contact with the men in their lives...
...INCLUDING FATHERS, BROTHERS, AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS!
It seems that the trauma was so deep...
...that the "victim mentality" became so entrenched that they couldn't look at a male, even those they had no reason to fear without seeing the face of their assailant. Or at the very least, without fealing as if they were in the presence of a potential attacker.
This neurosis can be seen running rampant throughout the Women-in-Transition, Rape-Crisis, and various "violence-intervention" programs out there today.
In local schools, these victim-turned-saviors, are presenting programs that specifically teach, both boys and girls, that ALL men are assailants. And that it is their mission in life to...
1) Warn all the women they can, and...
2) Teach the boys to be more passive so as to disuade as many as possible from the certain damage that each will do to every woman that he encounters.
Okay, okay, you get my point on this whole thing...
So, what does all this have to do with your problem? It's this...
...what were your beliefs coming into and during your relationship?
Was it the same as many with the victim mentality? Was it...
...I have nothing to worry about? Everything is perfect?
With regards to being hurt by a loved one, did you believe that...
"It would never happen to you?"
I find it surprising to find that, most experts in the realm of self-protection KNOW that there are those "out there" who would attack them. But, they never give a thought to the damage that can and is often done to us by those who are close at-hand.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not, and certainly not advocating a paranoid approach to life. You don't need to go through life like the "violence-intervention" saviors looking at everyone as a potential attacker.
What you DO have to do though is to open your eyes to the truth. The truth that ANYTHING can happen to us.
But, it's NOT what happens to us so much as how we deal with it that matters.
In a self-defense situation, the one thing that you can be sure of is that...
...you WILL get hit, kicked, grabbed, choked, cut, shot...
It's NOT your job to not let these things happen. Regardless of what the gurus with no experience, or the converts to a self-defense system, have to say. It's not.
Your job is to not let those things happen to the extent that "the TV gets turned off." That means that, as long as you're conscious and can go on...
...THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!
Will there be people that hit you or otherwise hurt you in life?
Will you lose people you care about - through death or them leaving of their own volition?
But, just as with the rape survivors discussed earlier...
...being clear on this truth and having an idea or plan about what you will do if and when these things happen, will allow you to survive - in body, mind, and spirit.
Don't fool yourself. Don't be like the victims of the world who delude themselves into believing that they can abdicate their happiness, security, and success to someone else. Don't be one of those who blindly believe, whatever the threat, that...
..."It can't/won't happen to me."
Take my word for it.
It CAN. And, in today's world of uncertainty and change...
Sir, I am sorry for your loss. I feel the pain in your words but remember that...
...YOU are just as responsible for your pain as the lady who left you. Even more so. As you're the one still carrying it!
Can you imagine being stabbed in an attack and choosing to carry the knife around with you - still in the wound it created - for two years after the attack? And you know what, just for shits and giggles, lets move it around a little when we tell the story to others or remind ourselves of the incident.
Yeah, let's do that, right?
Of course not. No one in their right mind would think that was a good idea. And yet, you are carrying the "thing" that "she" did to you.
Let me tell you one more story that I heard from my own meditation teacher years ago.
There were these two monks walking along when they came upon a stream.
Standing at this stream was a young, very beautiful, woman dressed in a long, expensive robe. The woman was obviously of breeding and did not want to get herself or her dress wet or muddy in the stream that they all needed to cross.
One monk, feeling compassion for the woman, offered to carry her across the stream so that neither she nor her dress would be stained by the muddy waters. To this, the second monk reminded his companion of the rule that forbade them from even touching a woman as it would hinder their progress towards enlightenment.
The first monk told the other that, "It will be okay," and he scooped up the women in his arms and proceded across towards the other side.
All the way across the stream, the second went on and on about how his friend was defiling himself and how he would be expelled by their teacher. The barrage of insults, reprimands, and reminders continued all the way across to the other shore.
Upon reaching the other shore, the monk stood the woman up onto her feet. She thanked him and went on her way.
As the two monks continued on their journey, the second monk, sticking to the letter of the "law" for the proper conduct of their sect, continued to remind his partner of the terrible thing that he had just done.
Finally, after about an hour of this, the first monk stopped and looked at the other and said...
"You know, I put that woman down an hour ago. You're still carrying her!"
I can't tell you what to do to get over her but, get over her you must. I would suggest though, that perhaps it's not her that you need to "get over." Perhaps...
...there's something that she gave you that you feel you need from someone else. Perhaps THAT is what you're missing and not this person.
Unfortunately, that's something that you'll have to work out for yourself.
Here's a heads up for everyone. My new book, titled...
THE KARATE-MYTH: Why Most Martial Arts and Self-Defense Programs Don't Work and How to be Safe in Today's Violent World...
Will be available after the 10th of this month. I'm very excited about this project. As many of you know, I am a little less than politically correct. And, true to form, this book pulls no punches in identifying why most programs and instructors CANNOT teach you what you will need to know to survive a violent attack.
But, rather than teach you step-by-step techniques that you can learn almost anywhere, this powerful book will teach you what over thirty years of law enforcement, security, and military training taught me. You will benefit from my experience so you will be prepared when every thing that you think, say, or do...
Later this week I'll provide you with a link where you'll be able to read more about this awesome book and get some free insider tips for increasing the value of your own training right away.
Book aside though, there REALLY is nothing like participating and learning in a live training event. So...
...the following events are scheduled over the coming weeks and months where I will be covering these and many more strategies for effectively dealing with a dangerous situation against an assailant with some training and experience under his or her belt.
DAIKOMYO-SAI - Birthday Celebration Commemorating my teacher, Soke Masaaki Hatsumi's, as-well-as my own Birthday.
This year, we'll be incorporating the Japan Recap and exploring some of the powerful lessons that I learned from the Grand Master and other Master Teachers during my recent trip to Japan for training.
KUBOTAN: Self-Defense Keychain Workshop
Learn how to use the Kubotan, as well as many other smaller, stick-like weapons as tools for your defense against an aggressive assailant. You'll learn why no object should be overlooked as a possible aid in surviving a dangerous confrontation.
New Year's GOMA
Put this year's resolutions on overdrive! After going through this powerful moving meditation ceremony, you will be virtually guaranteed the attainment of your goals this year!
Don't miss this short but extremely intense opportunity to use the power and mystical knowledge of the ancients to help you create the life you've always wanted.
NINJA WEAPONS SEMINAR
Join us for an intense look at some of the secrets embodied within the ninja's smaller weapons. During this event we'll be exploring three of the weapons that make up the ninja's arsenal - the hanbo (3' "half-staff"; the kusari ('weighted-chain'); and the shurinken ('throwing star').
Regardless of whether you're new to the ninja's arts or a senior practitioner, there will be something for everyone. Even if you've been working with these tools for years, you'll learn something new - guaranteed!
Introduction to MIKKYO: The Ninja's Mind Science
Find out what makes the Ninja's Mind a weapon for defensive action and, at the same time, a tool for making the world a brighter, more powerful place.
We will be exploring the lessons that form the foundation for transforming your world and gaining true and complete enlightenment in this very life.
If you are looking for all that life has to offer. If you are tired of the same old answers that never seem to eleviate the frustration that comes with life. If you want to explore the full realm that is the Ninja's art of winning against all odds.
You need to make sure that you have a place in these powerful, life-changing training opportunities.
Space for these events is extremely limited so that everyone gets plenty of hands-on attention with me. Flyers will be up this week as well as the ability to register and pay for the events online for your convenience.
So check the website often for updates.
WHY NOT SPONSOR A SEMINAR IN YOUR LOCAL AREA?
Can't seem to make it to my events here at WCI Central Academy? No problem! Why not take the initiative and bring the knowledge to you're area?
Send me an email at email@example.com and put "Sponsor Info" in the Subject box.
I'll send you information for sponsoring a seminar in your local area and how you can get your training for free and maybe even make some extra money for yourself in the process!
Now, who can beat that kind of situation?!
Again, thanks for your great question, Dayakar. I hope this helped.
The most important thing for everyone to remember is to make this training very personal. Make sure that you are getting what you need and sewing up any loose ends in your own training, skills, and overall ability to handle yourself...
...at least in the most common situations that YOU are likely to encounter in your life.
...if it bothers you and you want to be able to handle a certain type of situation, others probably want to know also. So, get personal and start the ball rolling by asking about it. Don't be like everyone else who is sitting there on their duff waiting for everyone else to ask the questions!
Well, until next time.
Here's wishing you Peace, Happiness, and much safety...
You're Friend on the Path,
Shihan Jeffrey M. Miller
POST CAMP REMINDER...
Just a quick reminder to all of you who attended this year's Fall Ninja Training Camp and helped to make it the awesome experience that it was...
Please send in those testimonials and comments. Many of you tell me on a regular basis why you come and how I'm doing. NOW it's time to tell everyone else!
Seriously. It sounds very conceited and "sales-like" when I say how great something is but, when YOU say it, people take notice and listen.
Why? Because you are a student just like them. You are the ones who return year after year (many of you coming in for private lessons with me separately from Camps and Seminars). This says something about yourselves but, it also says something about what you believe your getting from me and these powerful events.
So, please. Send me something to post so others will know what they're missing.
Want to send me a question or comment....
Enter the word "QUESTION" or "COMMENT" in the subject box and email it to me at MailBag@warrior-concepts-online.com
Please keep your submission short and to the point. Any submissions that stray from topic, require too much in the way of editing (please use the spell-check and grammar check functions on your word processor - after all, you paid for them!), or are self-serving and abusive will simply be deleted.
I'll try to answer your email personally, especially if it's of a personal nature but most submissions will be answered here.
Talk to you soon.
Talk to you again in a few days.
Jeffrey M. Miller, Shihan 10 Degree Black Belt Founder and Director Warrior Concepts International Self-Protection & Personal Development
Do NOT respond directly to this email. Click on the following link to make sure that I get your submission: MailBag Submission to J. M. Miller
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